Big Damn Heroes
by Canadino
Summary: "We should be superheroes," Kise said. In which the Generation of Miracles attempts to become local superheroes. Spoiler: it doesn't go as planned. No pairings.


**Disclaimer: The only thing I own is the story idea and only some of the witty remarks. I own so little; so please don't steal.**

Background music: -

[=]

"We should be superheroes!" Kise said.

[=]

Kise's initial suggestion had, as per usual for each of his unreasonable proposals he offered during practice, gone ignored. It wasn't until he had stopped appealing to the team as a group and began pestering each individual member that Akashi called a meeting to quash Kise's incessant blabbering once and for all. Because there was a general consensus that Kise would continue sulking and moping until he was allowed to fully flesh out his idea, they allowed him to explain himself before they were to shoot him down fully.

"Well, the way I see it is this. You know how we have these really cool abilities on the court? Like I have my copying ability and Kuroko_cchi_'s misdirection and Aomine_cchi_'s formless way of moving – ah, I get it, I should get to the point, no need to hit me, Aomine_cchi_ – but anyway! I think it would be a good idea if we moved those abilities to our everyday lives!" He sat and beamed at everyone. They stared back at him dully. "Yes? Isn't that a good idea?"

"You said something about heroes," Kuroko pointed out.

"Oh yes! That's what I mean. If we used our abilities, we could be local superheroes! We could use our powers for good for the neighborhood and we would be doing our part for society."

"We're a basketball team," Aomine said bluntly. "We only know how to play basketball."

("Speak for yourself," Midorima sniffed.)

"I think we could do it!" Kise pouted. He puffed his cheeks and frowned and flushed with indignation. "We could do it! At least we could try! If we don't do it well, then we can stop! But we should try!" When all five pairs of eyes looked back at him blankly, he threw a little tantrum. They watched as he squeaked and protested incoherently and fell off his chair and whined.

"Perhaps," Kuroko said hesitantly as Kise began shaking the table as he was thrashing around at their feet dramatically, "we could give Kise-_kun_'s suggestion a try…if only to stop him from having a complete conniption in front of us…"

"Yes!" Kise shot up and grabbed Kuroko's hands in thankful pleasure. Kuroko looked away quickly. "Yes! Kuroko_cchi_, I knew you'd understand! Thank you!"

"What nonsense," Midorima declared, adjusting his glasses and tightening his grip on the delicate glass paperweight that was his lucky item for the day. "I want no part in this nonsense."

"We can't be heroes if there isn't six of us!" Kise cried indignantly. He crawled over to Midorima and clasped his hands imploringly. Midorima twitched as Kise's fingers closed over the paperweight. "We need to work as a group of heroes…like we work together for basketball! What's the fun of being a hero alone?"

"Unhand me!"

"Midorima_cchi_, ple~ase!"

"I'll only do so if Akashi approves." Kise's face fell. The deathblow had been administered. Akashi's willingness to agree to such an idea was close to none. Nonetheless, he turned pleading, tearful eyes at their captain, who had not interjected or expressed much preference toward either side the entire time.

"Akashi-_kun_," Kuroko began.

"Knowing you, Ryouta," Akashi interrupted, "you wouldn't really give your all in practice if we didn't do this whim of yours?" Kise was conflicted. "Alright. We'll give your hero suggestion a try. If it doesn't work, you will work with the third string from now on and we'll bench you for the first three games of the next season."

"A-ah! Thank you so much, Akashi_cchi_!"

"Could it be," Kuroko whispered, leaning across Murasakibara, to Akashi, "that Akashi-_kun_ secretly likes the idea of being a hero?" His voice was masked by Kise's grateful declarations and Midorima's disgruntled muttered complaints. Akashi gave him a wide, terrifying smile. Kuroko smiled back weakly and settled back in his chair.

"Is this going to be a bad idea, Tetsu?" Aomine asked him.

"Probably. I'm afraid for us myself, Aomine-_kun_."

[=]

"How uncivilized and boorish of all of you!" Momoi shrieked. "Thinking of using a girl as bait for your stupid hero business!"

"Now, that's not it!" Kise fussed, hitting the first roadblock for the day Akashi designated as the hero test-drive day. (His first actual roadblock was trying to convince the others to wear costumes and capes, but even Kuroko put his foot down on that. He tried to outshine the others by wearing something wonderful and great until Murasakibara pointed out bluntly that any bad guy would notice how flashy he was. But that wasn't important.) "The thing is…the thing is…you know…lately there's been this skirt lifter that's been harassing young girls and he hasn't been caught yet so I thought as heroes, he should be our first villain to capture…"

"No! I'm not doing it, even for you, Ki-_chan_! Putting myself in danger from a pervert! How terrible, that's what heroes should be preventing! And also, why can't I be a hero too? I've got 'powers' too! Why do I need to be a tool for you guys! I'm also part of the team!"

"You're a girl, see," Kise said unwisely. Momoi began beating him with her fists. "I mean, I wouldn't want a delicate girl like you to get her hands dirty! That's all I meant! Isn't fighting a man's business?"

"That's rather chauvinistic of you, isn't it," Kuroko said, raising an eyebrow, before carefully guiding Momoi away from beating Kise to a pulp. "Momoi-_san_, I'm sorry you had to hear that."

"Tetsu-_kun_, how could you agree to such a silly thing…"

"Momoi-_san_…ah…Satsuki-_san_, I mean." Momoi seemingly forgot about all previous grievances and perked up. "Ah…well…as Akashi must have explained to you, this is just a test for us…to make sure we're actually hero material before we begin anything drastic. And I'm sure that the rest of us feel the same as I do when I say that I wouldn't want to waste your time and energy for anything that's useless. So, could you do this small favor for us? I promise you that I will do my best to make sure nothing happens to you and if the pervert tries to touch you I'll come in right away and stop him-"

"Not a real worry, Tetsu, it's not like anyone'd want to touch Satsuki anyway."

"Aomine-_kun_ would rush in too, is what he meant…and I promise you that if we become heroes, you will definitely be part of that. Isn't that right, Kise-_kun_?"

Kise nodded quickly.

Momoi pursed her lips. Clearly a mental battle was raging in her head. Logic dictated this was a fool's errand, but her prince had also made a personal request – "Alright," she acquiesced, grimacing. "I'll do it! But if anything happens, I'll kill you, okay, Ki-_chan_? The things I do for you all! It's ridiculous."

"I'll treat you to dinner," Kise sang. Momoi rolled her eyes at him and rolled her skirt up as directed.

"Just walk down this street?" she asked, as they reached the place the pervert often struck. A grandmother and her granddaughter were a ways off, but the street was otherwise deserted. The boys, huddled behind a group of trashcans on the street, nodded at her. She gripped her bag tighter. "This is madness," she mumbled incredulously to herself and began walking slowly down the road. The six kept an eye on her through the cracks in between the trashcans.

"I don't see anyone," Midorima grumped, holding his lucky item (a tape dispenser), though with more force as he was upset. "This is nonsense. We should just call Momoi and go."

"Wait," Kuroko said. There was a sudden movement from the alleyway between the antique and tofu shop. Momoi, who had been scanning the streets, honed in at the same time Kuroko had; but the pervert shot out before she could utter a sound and flipped her skirt.

"Ribbon patterned panties," Aomine said, almost amazed. Momoi screeched.

"Stop that!" Kise shouted, almost ecstatically, and leapt over the trashcans. This knocked them over, caused a huge clamor, and exposed the rest of them as kneeling behind him. "You won't get away with this, you skirt-flipper!"

The pervert offered them one quick look before sprinting down the street.

"He's got good stats!" Momoi yelled as they dashed past her as she held her skirt down offendedly. "You won't catch him if you don't hurry!"

"Thank you, Momoi_cchi_!"

They spotted the pervert trying to hide in a nearby park and almost closed on him before Kise let out an unnecessary but heroic yell. The sound alerted him and the chase was on yet again. Murasakibara opened a packet of chips along the way and crunched on them disinterestedly.

"He'll turn left," Akashi said wisely as he ran behind Midorima. "He's got a blind spot on his right side. Shintarou, could you please?"

Midorima sighed heavily and just as the pervert began to round the corner, he stopped and heaved the tape dispenser through the air. For a moment, the man ran out of sight. The tape dispenser arced in the air and just as Aomine rounded the corner, there was a heavy thunk as the tape dispenser knocked right into the pervert's head.

"You'll get what's coming," Aomine growled, and pounced on the pervert as the others ran up to him. Frantically, the man tried to deter Aomine as he grabbed the closest thing possible and threw it at him. It happened to be a piece of trash. The piece of trash in question happened to be a dirty, heavily used gravure magazine.

Aomine's attention was immediately diverted and he spun in midair to catch the unexpected treasure. The man scrambled to his feet and began to speed away.

"Atsushi," Akashi commanded. Murasakibara nodded and strode quickly. His long stride covered the ground between him and the decidedly shorter man and he stood before him, blocking his path.

"Good job, Murasakibara_cchi_!" Kise yelled as they rushed to close in on the pervert. Almost as if to spite Kise's intentions, the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of tiny candies. He threw them to the ground. Murasakibara looked down at them and the man dodged around him and continued on his way.

"He's getting away!" Kise cried frantically.

"Don't step on them!" Murasakibara insisted and stopped them momentarily before they could trample the multi-colored candies. That brief intermission was enough for the pervert to escape. Midorima took off his glasses and began polishing them, a sure sign that he was very angry.

"He got away!" Kise said, in case anyone involved had not noticed. "He got away…Murasakibara_cchi_, why did you take your eyes off him?"

"Candy, though," Murasakibara said, pointing to the candy at their feet. Akashi sighed.

"I suppose you'll have to train heavily during the times you are benched," he said, looking very disappointed indeed. "Come, Shintarou, Atsushi; we have wasted enough time as it is. Pick those up, Atsushi. Don't eat them if they're out of their wrappers." Midorima pushed his glasses on and gave Kise a very dirty look. Murasakibara plucked up each colorful dot and trailed along after them.

"We were supposed to be heroes," Kise lamented.

"What exactly did you do again?" Aomine asked, walking up to him as he continued perusing the gravure magazine. "Nothing except screaming, to what I recall."

Kise groaned loudly and wailed at Aomine, knocking the magazine out of his hands and blubbering as Aomine bent down to pick it up again. "Where's Kuroko_cchi_?" he asked.

[=]

It turned out that in the middle of their chase, Kuroko had performed his misdirection and alerted a nearby patrol officer, who caught the skirt-flipper a few blocks from where he had stopped Murasakibara. The pervert had been convicted by the numerous photos on his phone of various girls' panties. The latest picture was Momoi's ribbon print. Momoi offered Kuroko a kiss on the cheek for his valiant efforts.

"I'm a hero," Kuroko said, a little bewildered after the neighborhood police force commended him for a job well done for protecting the area.

Kise sobbed.

[=]

Note: You all have my permission to eject me from this fandom. I'm not sorry.


End file.
